I haven’t posted a blog in a few months. However, in that time, I have still been writing. Last night specifically I was writing in my journal (Yes, I have a journal. The only way to get better at something is to practice and a journal gives me a place to practice without judgement). Anyway… I was writing in my journal and without going into too many boring details one sentence kind of struck a chord. I was writing about how people who make excuses for bad behavior, make me angry. I clarified that people who make excuses for their bad behavior that affects others, makes me angry.
I had to clarify because I am a person who makes excuses for my bad behavior. Laziness, procrastination, unhealthy eating habits, etc. However, these bad behaviors don’t directly affect anyone other than me.
I literally excused myself from the generalization of excuse-making people that make me angry. Let that sink in for a moment. I realized I gave myself an out but, I didn’t believe it. I was mad at myself. Never admitting this statement before, it caught me off guard.
Looking back on the excuses and procrastination I generate on a daily basis shows a pattern of behavior that puts my dreams on hold and makes my happiness transitory. I was mad at myself for never taking action when I said I would. I was mad for putting things off and telling myself I didn’t really want it because I was comfortable where I was.
Turns out, this anger was only masking my fear. I was scared. Correction, I am scared. Scared of leaving my comfort zone. It’s nice here. I get to go through life and complain about things I think I can’t change but, ultimately know I can. I get by in the comfort zone. There is a real fear of leaving it and also about never leaving it.
“You have to do what you love to do, not get stuck in that comfort zone of a regular job. Life is not a dress rehearsal. This is it.” – Lucinda Basset
These feelings are what lead me to create this blog in the first place. I have to remind myself to push past fear and keep moving forward. Courage is a muscle I need to exercise. This post may not be the next type of post I wanted to share. I feel like I could spend another 10 hours editing but, I need to share it now. I need to stop making excuses and finish what I started. If I don’t, I’ll just keep being secretly mad at myself for not moving forward. Mad that I am too afraid to face my own shortcomings and learn from failures.
When I hit ‘publish’ on this post, the fact that it’s now available for anyone with access to the internet to stumble upon and find, still leaves me with a deep queasy feeling in my stomach. However, I am no longer filled with anger toward my own cowardice and I think that’s a decent trade.
I want to end this on a positive note by stating a new goal for myself. I’ll start this goal on June 1st. No excuses!
My Goal: 2 new blog posts each month.
The Steps: Schedule time to write and then stick to it. Don’t let other tasks take priority over my goals.