I’m sorry. I feel like I have let you down. The thought of disappointing you makes me feel ashamed. You have done so much for me and I appreciate every bit of it. You will never know the amount of gratitude I hold in my heart for what you have helped me accomplish. That is why when I slipped and fell right back into my old habits, I avoided you.
Your opinion means so much to me and for some reason I thought if I could avoid you then it wouldn’t exist. That my failures wouldn’t exist. There are some instances where ‘out of sight out of mind’ doesn’t really work. The more I avoided facing my failures, the more I thought about them.
Having been through all these feelings before it’s immensely depressing to be facing them again after I had lost the weight. Every failed attempt at getting back to where I was seemed to pull me closer to this dull gray world of indifference to my own existence. This may sound melodramatic but, it is to prove a very important point. It was not you, it was me.
I was projecting. I had to do something to overcome my depression. Keeping things to myself didn’t work. I found that writing them out does wonders for my disposition. I finally got the nerve to write exactly what I was feeling instead of fiction stories. Consequently, you have this long winded letter, in which, all I am really trying to tell you is that; I am okay.
Really, I am. I am working on me. I am getting back the pieces that fit and tying them together until my muscles are strong enough to hold them on their own. I am working on me again behind the scenes. Slowly but surely, I am returning to the person I want to be.
You should know that even when I was avoiding life, I still remembered everything you taught me. As I started to dust off this depression hanging on my shoulders, I realized I wasn’t alone. You have been there. Your stories of struggle and triumph keep me company when I feel like losing weight is impossible. I remember I know someone who has achieved the impossible and that maybe I can too.
I avoid thoughts of the past. Remembering all I have achieved and how I somehow let bad habits control me again brings me to a place I don’t want to be. I need to focus on the moment I am in, now. I need to move slowly and retrain my brain to the small habits that I know will add up. I am keeping the lessons but, ignoring the failure. I realize my journey to health and happiness isn’t over and looking back will only slow me down.
Baby steps is where I am at now. I am hacking down the obstacles my mind has created one at a time. I surge forward and slowly chip away this weak exterior. You may not see me back at the gym right away but know that is my direction. Know that I am on my way to the person I was and am inside. I will achieve the goals I place in front of me. I am making my way through a new path. This in my fresh journey and I am armed with everything you have taught me. I am on my way.
I am still someone you can be proud of. I am someone I can be proud of again.