A letter to my personal trainer…

I’m sorry. I feel like I have let you down. The thought of disappointing you makes me feel ashamed. You have done so much for me and I appreciate every bit of it. You will never know the amount of gratitude I hold in my heart for what you have helped me accomplish. That is why when I slipped and fell right back into my old habits, I avoided you.

Your opinion means so much to me and for some reason I thought if I could avoid you then it wouldn’t exist. That my failures wouldn’t exist. There are some instances where ‘out of sight out of mind’ doesn’t really work. The more I avoided facing my failures, the more I thought about them.

Having been through all these feelings before it’s immensely depressing to be facing them again after I had lost the weight. Every failed attempt at getting back to where I was seemed to pull me closer to this dull gray world of indifference to my own existence. This may sound melodramatic but, it is to prove a very important point. It was not you, it was me.

I was projecting. I had to do something to overcome my depression. Keeping things to myself didn’t work. I found that writing them out does wonders for my disposition. I finally got the nerve to write exactly what I was feeling instead of fiction stories. Consequently, you have this long winded letter, in which, all I am really trying to tell you is that; I am okay.

Really, I am. I am working on me. I am getting back the pieces that fit and tying them together until my muscles are strong enough to hold them on their own. I am working on me again behind the scenes. Slowly but surely, I am returning to the person I want to be.

You should know that even when I was avoiding life, I still remembered everything you taught me. As I started to dust off this depression hanging on my shoulders, I realized I wasn’t alone. You have been there. Your stories of struggle and triumph keep me company when I feel like losing weight is impossible. I remember I know someone who has achieved the impossible and that maybe I can too.

I avoid thoughts of the past. Remembering all I have achieved and how I somehow let bad habits control me again brings me to a place I don’t want to be. I need to focus on the moment I am in, now. I need to move slowly and retrain my brain to the small habits that I know will add up. I am keeping the lessons but, ignoring the failure. I realize my journey to health and happiness isn’t over and looking back will only slow me down.

Baby steps is where I am at now. I am hacking down the obstacles my mind has created one at a time. I surge forward and slowly chip away this weak exterior. You may not see me back at the gym right away but know that is my direction. Know that I am on my way to the person I was and am inside. I will achieve the goals I place in front of me. I am making my way through a new path. This in my fresh journey and I am armed with everything you have taught me. I am on my way.

I am still someone you can be proud of. I am someone I can be proud of again.


3 thoughts on “A letter to my personal trainer…

  1. Oh Cindi…..I have never ever felt disappointed. I want you to be happy, you’re such an amazing young woman. You have such a loving family, own your own home, have a job and great friends!!! I love you and know that is not that you don’t like to train(or don’t like me…lol). You must acknowledge what or why you are feeling down. I know it can be a much deeper problem and that is what needs to be taken care of first. When I was at my heaviest I did not even realize what I was doing to myself. I so desperately wanted to be pregnant. All my friends were having babies and I was so happy for them, but sad for me. I didn’t feel like I was depressed, but looking back I was. I ate to make me feel comforted. One day I woke up weighing 190 pounds. I honestly wondered how in the hell did this happen. Until we address a problem and figure out what to do….nothing changes! I decided to get healthier and lost 30 pounds and got pregnant. Unfortunately, I delivered at 20 weeks. Then I was right back to feeling badly. Then 2 more miscarriages. It was in the hospital when Brian said let’s adopt. After knowing it would take a while but I WOULD BE A MOM my feelings changed. Then everything started falling in place and I worked at being a better me. You need to start with YOU!!!! I will always be ready to help you, not just with training or nutrition. We can just talk, have lunch or just vent! I love your company and just hanging out. I took a lot to write this and it shows what a loving, caring and amazing person you are!!! You have a great support system in your family and friends, don’t be afraid to use that system!!! I love this letter and you. I have a great book that helps you bring gratitude and positivity into life. I love it. I will order it for you. I am hugging you so hard right now! Hugs and kisses! We will meet soon!!!!!

    Liked by 1 person

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